Mishearings, Part 2, and Chocolate Cutouts

While as a doctor I don’t find hearing loss funny, it can lead to some hilarious stories.

My mother is deaf in one ear from having her eardrum blown out when I was a kid (she’ll tell you that it’s quite painful). Because of this, we’ve always had to make sure to speak up and talk on her “good side.”

We also need to make sure that we speak clearly.

We were driving to a church ice cream social when we were younger, and we were all listing off what kind of ice cream we wanted to have.

Me: I want Mackinac Island Fudge.

Dad (while pulling into the church parking lot): I just want ice cream!

Brother #1: I want cookies and cream!

Mom (whipping her head around and yelling in a stern voice): How DARE you say that??? We’re at church!!!

The rest of my family exchanged confused looks.

Dad: Honey, why is it bad that he wants cookies and cream ice cream?

My mother then burst out laughing and it was a few minutes later before she caught her breath enough to tell us…(while we all still looked on confused)…

“Oh goodness, I thought he said herpes and cream! You can’t talk about herpes at church!”

To this day, cookies and cream has never been known by its actual name…nor has anyone in my family eaten it since.

No Mistakes Chocolate Cutouts

Chocolate Cutouts

perfect if you decide to combine with cream…for ice cream sandwiches ;)

Ingredients

  • 2 sticks butter, softened
  • 1 c brown sugar
  • 1/2 c white sugar
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 2 eggs
  • 2/3 c cocoa powder
  • 3 c flour, plus additional for rolling
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder

How-to

  1. Cream together butter and sugars in a stand mixture. Add in vanilla. Add eggs one at a time, mixing until combined after each one.
  2. In a separate bowl, mix together cocoa powder, flour, salt, and baking powder. With mixer on, slowly add in dry ingredients until well combined.
  3. Refridgerate dough at least 1 hour (overnight is best).
  4. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  5. Flour surface and rolling pin. Using a ruler (this helps, I promise!), roll out dough until 1/4 in thick and use a cookie cutter to cut into shapes.
  6. Place cookies into greased cookie sheets. Bake for 8-9 minutes (it’s really easy to overcook these, so it’s best to undershoot and then try them after they cool for about 5 minutes to see if they’re at your desired softness…personally I don’t like my cutout cookies too hard!).

Breast Exams and Blackberry Scones

Remember my awkward classmate from my last post?

During your first and second years of medical school, you work with standardized patients who help teach you how to complete a variety of physical exams. These people are paid fairly well for all of the basic exams (heart, lungs, abdomen, et cetera). However, the people that get paid the best are those that are willing to teach the male and female anatomy exams to medical students.

For these exams, you learn how to complete them with a partner. And my partner just happened to be a very sheltered and awkward classmate.

In particular, he had never, to my knowledge, had a girlfriend. And, if I was a betting women, I would put a great bit of money on him never having seen a woman before in a state where she was not fully clothed.

Did I mention that he was my partner for the female anatomy exam?

We walked into the room, and our patient instructor at that point still had her gown covering her. However, she then told us that she wanted us to be “comfortable with the human body,” so she proceed to drop the front of her gown and sit there with her breasts exposed while talking to us about women’s health and the exam before demonstrating everything that we had to do.

She obviously was quite perceptive, since I have never seen someone look so incredibly uncomfortable before in my life. All of the color washed out of his face.

And all of that was before we had to demonstrate our knowledge by performing the exam.

Perfect Shape Blackberry Scones

you won’t want a store-bought scone again

Ingredients

  • 3 c flour
  • 1/2 c sugar
  • 2 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 3/4 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tbsp orange zest
  • 3/4 cold butter, cubed
  • 1 c buttermilk or sour milk (mix 1 tbsp lemon juice with enough skim milk to make 1 c and let sit for 5 minutes)
  • 6 oz blackberries
  • Skim milk
  • Powdered sugar

How-to

  1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
  2. Mix together flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, baking soda, and orange zest.
  3. Cut in butter (like making pie dough) until you have pea-sized crumbles.
  4. Stir in blackberries and then buttermilk or sour milk. If you’d like the nice purple color, mix this with your hands so the blackberries smush a little. Mixture should be lumpy.
  5. Using a tablespoon, place large spoonfuls on a greased cookie sheet 2 inches apart (you’ll get about 12-16) and bake for 15-18 minutes. Remove and let cool.
  6. Mix together skim milk and powdered sugar to make enough frosting to drizzle 1 tbsp onto each scone.

Stalking for Cheesecake

I’ve had some unfortunate run-ins with guys, but not have been worse than the creepy stalker.

I had hung out with this guy and knew he just wasn’t my type and I didn’t want to see him again. I was very busy with med school (try being a third year in the midst of our annual musical) and literally barely had time to sleep.

First, he started calling me.  While I was at clinic.  And you can’t answer your phone in clinic (who wants their doctor answering the phone in clinic?)  He called me NINE TIMES. And continually texted me because I couldn’t talk to him right then.

I called him while I was driving home from clinic.  Where he made mistake #2….

“Why haven’t you called me?  You’re supposed to call me on a daily basis. Because you’re my girlfriend.”

#1, I already was going to tell him I had never wanted to see him again. #2, we had barely hung out and I DEFINITELY was not his girlfriend.  I then proceeded to tell him exactly that.

That night, my doorbell rang.  Standing outside my door was this guy.  Crying. And not just tears in his eyes, but full-on man sobs that should be reserved for events like your wife or child dying. And during these sobs he begged me to take him back (which made no sense because I never had him in the first place).  I told him to go home and leave me alone.

And then mistake #3…he showed up at my door sobbing on a weekly basis for the next 2 months.

Mistake #4 deserves a blog post all to itself.

Stalker Inspiring Low-Fat New York Cheesecake

Ingredients for crust

  • 1 1/2 c graham cracker crumbs (about 24 squares)
  • 1/4 c sugar
  • 1/3 c melted butter

How-to

  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2. Mix together ingredients and press into a pie pan, preferably glass.
  3. Bake for 8 minutes until golden brown

Ingredients for filling

  • 8 oz Neuchâtel cheese or low-fat cream cheese
  • 1/2 c sugar
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla
  • 1/2 tsp lemon juice
  • 2 eggs

How-to

  1. While pie shell is baking, beat cream cheese until fluffy. Add in sugar, vanilla, and lemon juice. Add in eggs one at a time and beat for 2 minutes.
  2. Remove pie shells from oven and decrease temperature to 325 degrees Fahrenheit.
  3. Pour in filling and bake for 20-30 minutes until the top is golden brown and firm.

Ingredients for topping

  • 1 c fat-free sour cream
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla
  • 2 tbsp sugar

How-to

  1. Mix together sour cream, vanilla, and sugar.
  2. When filling is down baking, pour on topping and return cheesecake to oven for 10-15 minutes until top is nearly firm. Let cool for 1 hour and then keep chilled.