Sex after Surgery and Spinach Pesto

Even health professionals get sick. And we hate going to the doctor even more than you do.

To make a long story short, I have to have surgery in less than 10 days. And because of that, I have to endure the pre-op clinic visit. The big purpose of that visit is to get all your bloodwork done, see if you need to see any other doctors, make sure you can have anesthesia, and then finally to tell you everything you’re not allowed to do before and after having surgery.

The last part being the most fun, of course.

So here I was, sitting in the doctor’s office with a well-intentioned, very intelligent, older nurse practitioner. The first part went easy- I just had to have anesthesia two weeks ago for some procedures so there were no issues there. It took a bit of time to edit my allergies- I discovered during those same procedures that apparently I’m allergic to the adhesive for the heart electrode monitors (I looked like I had lyme disease because of hives for 4 days all over my chest and abdomen- sexy…not).

Then, surprise!

Me: Wait, it says here that I’m not allowed to COOK for 2 weeks?

NP: Yup. Pots and pans are too heavy for you to lift. It’s minimum 7 days but possibly up to 21. Remember, you can’t lift anything heavier than half a gallon of milk.

Me: But I can’t COOK?

NP: Correct, but the biggest thing is that you’re not allowed to have sex for 2 weeks. And I mean any of kind of sex. You can’t have oral sex, vaginal sex, or anal sex. You aren’t allowed to use a vibrator. You can’t use a dildo. You can’t use your hands or use someone else’s hands. You can’t have foreplay. You can’t…

Me: Excuse me?

NP (looks up from her list): Yes?

Me: Look, it’s on my form that I’m single and there’s no chance I could be pregnant. I haven’t even had a DATE since January. The chances of me meeting someone and deciding that I’m going to sleep with him in the next month are probably as close to zero as they could be. I have a COOKING BLOG. Me not being able to cook is much more upsetting that you informing me that my recent celibacy is going to have to last at least another month for medical reasons.

NP: Okay. You know you can’t bake, either.

(don’t worry, dear readers-I’ve since been stockpiling posts so I don’t have to disappear from the blogosphere for 7-21 days)

Surgery Approved Spinach and Walnut Pesto

I can at least lift this jar out of my fridge. Shown here with Trader Joe’s Goat Cheese and Sundried Tomato Ravioli (which I am not allowed to cook post-op)

Ingredients

  • 3 c fresh spinach, washed and drained
  • 1/3 c walnuts
  • 1/4 c parmesan cheese, grated
  • 1 tbsp lemon juice
  • Olive oil
  • Salt
  • Pepper

How-to

  1. In a food processor (I did this in my Cuisinart 7 C food processor), add the spinach, walnuts, parmesan, and lemon juice.
  2. Start the food processor and drizzle in olive oil into the feed tube until you reach your desired consistency (I used 1/4 c). Salt and pepper to taste.
  3. Serve on practically anything. To store, place in small jars and leave room at the top. Cover with a thin layer of olive oil (this will help your pesto stay green). You can also put this into ice cube trays (again, covering with a small layer of olive oil), freeze, then pop those cubes out and store them all together in a freezer-safe bag. That way you can defrost one at a time in your fridge.