Flowers, Part 1, and Lobster

My father can get you to agree to anything.

It was my first Valentine’s Day in high school where I had a boyfriend. Now, Valentine’s Day was a bit different for my family- it’s both my dad’s and my brother’s birthday, so it’s normally the night we go out to eat for that. Plus my mother always gave us a treasure hunt (complete with our own treasure map) for us to find our chocolates that evening.

Thus, for my first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend, I spent it with my family. But my high school boyfriend did call me that evening.

High School Boyfriend: Hey, did you get anything dropped off today?

High School Me: Nope, why?

High School Boyfriend: Oh, I tried to send you flowers. I only got your carnations since they were the cheapest thing they had. 

My dad was overhearing this phone conversation, and asked for the phone.

The next day, there was a knock at the door. And a delivery guy, who was carrying a dozen roses and a box of chocolates.

High School Me: This certainly isn’t carnations.

Dad: I know. I called the flower shop and had them upgrade you for free. I told them how disappointed you were, and how your boyfriend was too chicken to call, so therefore I had to swoop in and make things right. Besides, it’s not like anyone is going to buy roses today. The flower shop is really getting a deal on this. 

My high school boyfriend didn’t even attempt to take any credit, based on proper fear of the girlfriend’s father.

Only the Best Lobster Tails

lobster tailsbecause daddy’s little girl deserves everything, especially lobster

Ingredients (per person)

  • Lobster tail (look for around 5-6 ounces), thawed (most grocery stores seem to put these on special for $5 each here in the midwest, I’ve seen- and they freeze quite well!)
  • 2 tbsp butter
  • 1/8 tsp Old Bay seasoning
  • 1/2 c white wine
  • Water

How-to

  1. Cut down the back of the lobster tail approximately 3-4 inches using a good pair of scissors (this will help the tails not curl up as much and make them easier to eat).
  2. Place white wine into whatever pot works with a steamer you happen to own (mine fits on top of a medium sized pot, but feel free to use a steamer basket if that’s all you have).
  3. Add enough water to the pot so that it’s at approximately one inch (or whatever level you need so that, once you insert the steamer, that the lobster tails won’t be sitting in the liquid).
  4. Place in or on the steamer and bring the liquid to a boil.
  5. Place in lobster tails and replace lid. Steam for 8-10 minutes, being sure not to remove the lid during the first 8 minutes.
  6. In a microwaveable safe ramekin, place the butter and Old Bay. Microwave in 10-second increments until the butter is melted.
  7. When the lobsters are done, remove from the steamer.
  8. Serve tails along with the melted, seasoned butter.
Advertisements

Porn and Peppermints

With holidays, come gifts.  And, inevitably, there is always the worst gift you’ve ever received…

porn.

And it gets so much worse than that.

To start, I’ve dated my fair share of former Catholic altar boys.  It’s never on purpose- I just always find out by the third or fourth date that they used to be Catholic altar boys.  It at least isn’t as bad as my habit of dating guys whose name normally has 4 letters and usually starts with J…or with middle names of “Michael.”

Anyway, so I was dating this guy.  And this guy was a formerly repressed altar boy who thought that porn was the pinnacle of sexiest things you could ever buy a girl, which I later learned.

Oh did I mention I ended up paying for this as well?

I should have known this was a bad idea from the start.  My birthday, per tradition, always sucks on the actual day. Without fail. So earlier that day, the guy I was dating asked me to borrow $20 since he had to go somewhere that took only cash (not uncommon in my college town).  He then said he had a “surprise” for me for my birthday.

He took me to the store off campus that sold the largest variety of DVD and VHS porn (it was also the only store that sold porn within a hundred miles, unless you want to count the ability to buy Playboy at Walmart). And this was early 90s style porn, according to the date on the back of the DVD.  Which he had already picked out. And then used the $20 in cash I had let him borrow earlier to paid for it.  And he was so proud of himself for his brilliant idea.

Needless to say, I didn’t keep that “birthday gift.”

Anyway, if you’re looking for a last-minute gift for the holidays (and don’t want to make the same mistake), I suggest you make the following…

Better than a Gift of Porn Peppermint Bark

Ingredients

  • 1 12 oz bag semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • 1 package of 12 candy canes (or 6 oz peppermint candies)
  • 1 12 oz package white coating chocolate

How-to

  1. Cover 2 half-sheet pans (your average cookie sheet pans for those non-bakers) in either aluminum foil or parchment paper (whichever you happen to have on hand)
  2. Unwrap the candy canes or peppermint candies. Place into a ziplock baggie and place underneath a towel. Using either a rolling pin or frying pan, get out all of your aggression over bad gifts by beating the candy into small bits (you’ll have a lot of dust but that’s okay!).
  3. Dump the chocolate chips into a microwave safe bowl and toss into the microwave, microwaving for 20 seconds at a time until the chocolate appears to be just melting (normally takes ~1 min in my microwave)
  4. Stir the chocolate chips until smooth, and then evenly divide the chocolate between the two sheet pans and spread thin.
  5. Break up the white melting chocolate into a separate bowl and microwave again for 20 second intervals until just melting (like before), then stir until smooth.
  6. Mix in the candy with the white chocolate, then divide up the white chocolate-peppermint mixture by spoonfuls onto each baking sheet.
  7. Using a knife, swirl the white and semi-sweet chocolate, then tap the pans on a countertop to settle.
  8. Place both sheets into a fridge under the chocolate sets, then break up into pieces and package into decorative bags or boxes.