With the coming of spring, we tend to think of babies and youth: little bunnies and ducklings, newborns dressed up in Anne Geddes outfits, the first flowers peeking out from the ground.
Unfortunately, all birth isn’t that pretty.
For those of you that prefer to live under a rock, there’s something you should know: childbirth is NOTHING like it is portrayed in movies and television shows. Instead of mommy lying there peacefully until a pristine and spotless infant is gently settled in her awaiting arms, well…the actual scene is quite a bit different.
Considering I only had 2-3 weeks on labor and delivery while in medical school, I ended up with quite a few stories.
This particular momma had been attempting to have as natural of a childbirth as possible, but after having been in labor for 18 hours, she gave in and said “Hallelujah” to the epidural. She was tired. She wanted a shower. Her soon-to-be-born son had finally descended far enough that she knew the end was near.
She also had a very eager husband wielding a video camera.
Now, before I get too far along in the story, there is a time and place for a video camera in the delivery room, for those who so choose. It tends to be immediately after the baby has been born, when mommy and daddy are holding him or her for the first time, or while cutting the cord.
It is not (and I highly agree with the mother in the story) when mom is swearing and the baby is crowning.
Hubby and soon-to-be-daddy had gotten himself a brand new, high definition video camera to witness his first miracle of life. He had already filmed the entrance to the hospital, the view from the delivery room, and the smiling faces of the delivery room.Ā May I mention that the entire video this far was complete with an excited, hyper running commentary?
However, when he attempted to leave his wife’s shoulders andĀ film the moment when his son’s head first popped into the world, mom snapped.
She immediately threw out her arm, which had previously been clenching the sheets as though her grip strength would translate into contraction strength, and flung it right in front of his stomach, blocking his way.
Husband: But honey, I want to film his head emerging and his first cry!
Wife (panting between contractions occurring every 15 seconds): If you see my vagina stretched over your son’s head, you are never going to want to fuck me again. And that is something I am NOT OKAY WITH.
It took her husband approximately two seconds to think of the full implications of his wife’s statement, turn around so that he was still by his wife’s shoulders but was now facing the wall, and begin calmly encouraging his wife that it would be over soon.
He then stayed in that position until after his son was born and mom said it was okay to turn around.
Spring Miracles Asparagus and Smoked Gouda Risotto
Make this and you won’t be tempted to hit anyone
Ingredients
- 4 c low sodium chicken or vegetable broth
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 1 onion, finely diced
- 4 garlic cloves, minced
- 1 c arborio rice
- 1 c white wine (I used a sauvignon blanc in the $8 range)
- 1 lb asparagus, diced into small pieces
- 3 tbsp dried parsley
- 1 c smoked gouda cheese, shredded (do this yourself!!!) and lightly piled into a 1 cup container (it took me about 3-4 oz solid cheese originally)
- Salt
- Pepper
How-to
- Bring broth to a boil, then reduce to simmer.
- Saute onion and garlic in olive oil in a large saucepan over medium-low to medium heat until onion is translucent (about 5 minutes)
- Add dry rice and saute for 2 minutes, stirring constantly.
- Add 1/2 c wine and stir until absorbed. Add the rest of the wine and repeat.
- Once the rice has absorbed the wine, start adding the broth, one ladle at a time. Your goal is to have this at a simmer. Stir frequently until absorbed. Add more broth. This does take a while (youāre looking at about 30 minutes of active cooking from start to finish).
- When you’ve added half the broth, stir in the asparagus pieces (this will help them stay green)
- When youāve added about 3 c of the broth, taste the rice. Youāre looking for a pasta-like al dente (just chewy) consistency. It might not be done yet. Continue adding broth until rice reaches this consistency and is creamy.
- Stir in smoked gouda and salt and pepper to taste.Ā Serve with a sprinkling of parsley on top.
domestic diva, M.D. 
Great post. Gave me a good laugh. And the risotto sounds delicious. Thanks.
I love your stories…and your recipes!
considering I am giving birth in less than 3 months, that story is hilarious – yet kind of frightening š
You just need to set some boundaries first with anyone planning on being present š
I love reading your stories and this one has tickled me! I would certainly not have allowed it.
I’m busy contemplating the many ways this story is both awesome and hilarious.
What a great story! It has been a long time since I worked L & D but it seems the stories are basically the same……..oh, what we say when we are in the throes of labor. Thanks.
I love Risotto. I’ve never tried to make it however but I think I can do this. š
I had never made it myself before until a few months ago and I managed…the one thing I’ve learned is that I normally need about 1/2-1 c more liquid than traditional risotto recipes (all of my risotto recipes are written with the exact amounts I used) to achieve the consistency I want.
Thanks I will try this and let you know how it goes..However my home ed teacher told me to marry rich..
I thankfully was never told that š
hahahaha – TG I had 2 c-sections. When asked if he wanted to come to the other side of the curtain to see each kiddo being born, both times dh was smart enough to stay on the head side of the sheet. It was better for EVERYBODY.
Wonderful post! =0)
…I love the recipe, too! *thinks of ways to vegan-ize it*
Vegetable broth for sure. As for the cheese, smoked gouda is a good melting cheese with a nutty note- not sure if there are any vegan cheeses that resemble this, but you still could make it a more traditional risotto by using a vegan parmesan cheese.
great minds think alike! I just posted a risotto recipe on my blog today too(: I had such a taste for it! Your’s looks delicious(:
As the father of 3 sons I was birth coach and videographer for all three and the last two were at home with a midwife assist. My wife never made such threats but your story is very funny and I’ll agree most mom’s are more than a little wacky at that point.
Good recipe as well!
Luckily there were no video cameras at any of my births–two of which were unmedicated and very loud. Not something anybody needs a visual record of, my memories are vivid enough. And, I love risotto with asparagus! Love your blog.
Woot for husband birth coaches!
AAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahaa!!! Had me on the floor, laughing my butt off on that one! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Love it! And hmmmm….risotto!!
Haha! I’m not sure if I can eat risotto now, haha/jk! Love your stories.
Oh jeez… You’re right, birth is nothing like what’s on TV!
Thanks for following, glad you found me, now I found you!
The risotto looks divine, and having given birth myself I totally agree with the mom in your story…
This looks delicious! And I love the story – I’ve heard enough horror stories from my baby-momma friends to know that when that time comes, no cameras will be allowed in the labor & delivery suite and the potential for exploitives coming from my mouth will be extremely high! š
We had a camera set up on the counter to the side of the bed, so we’d get to film my son’s birth but in a more PG than PG-13 fashion. It was great, a perfect side view. Until just as I started pushing, hubby stepped right in front of the camera. So the film of the entire birth is, basically, my husband’s butt.
That risotto looks like it’s to die for! I am always on the hunt for good risotto recipes, so thank you!
Wow… that risotto looks amazing! And I’m starving! And now craving some risotto! š
Olga
This was hysterical. Honestly, be careful who you even invite to see what other than the sweet hubby. Think to yourself.. I’m going to be sitting near that person during Thanksgiving Day family feasts. Do I want to look at that turkey, with its little wings all curled back and its butt hanging open and look into thhat persons eyes and think to myself… they saw me in this same position with all my parts open to inspection….
Yeah…whole other story then, isn’t it? lol
That’s a really perfect description. I’m now never going to be able to view poultry without thinking of childbirth.
I always cringed a little when I watched soap operas years ago as a teenager. They always had a doctor in the family and they all went to him/her. I mean when I think about members of my family.. I would NOT like to know they saw “that much” of me. lol. I couldn’t imagine family gatherings and eating across the table from someone who :”knew” me that well. giggles.
This looks fantastic! Can’t wait to try it out! : )
Yum! I need more asparagus recipes. I’ll have to try it.
You’ll love the one then I’ll be posting tomorrow or next week š
Funny post…yeah childbirth is not all serenity and classical music. Recipe sounds pretty good too.
That story is hilarious!!!
I would never had even attempted to video my wife giving birth, she would have objected rather strongly. Now as far as rissotto and asparagus, great combination.
Oh goodness, I read this in class and I almost burst out laughing. Great post!
Great post. I came home really tired from a long day and this just brightened up my evening. I’m still tired but at least there is a huge smile on my face. Thanks!
Kind of funny that a risotto recipe came after the traumatic bith description š lol good post š
Good one. Amazing she had that much forethought in the moment!
love this post lol i am laughing now but i know that once i get married, this can happen to me, too :-s i will ban my future husband from bringing any sort of recording device inside the delivery room!
What a funny story!!!! Great risotto recipe as well! š
Oh, the visual I will have each and every time risotto is eaten here in our house….thanks for a gigantic morning laugh!
Susan
This is class … both story and the recipe. An smile from you!
to funny thanks for the laugh and the recipe š
This made me laugh, I couldn’t even read the recipe ….had to come back and re-read it ! lol
That looks amazing! I love risotto!
Like both the recipe and the story š
Have you ever tried to make this with goat cheese? The asparagus and sauvignon blanc both go well with that. I usually do asparagus, sauvignon blanc and goat cheese pasta, but your recipe gave me the idea to try risotto next time!
I’ve done goat cheese before and that also turns out well. I was just looking for something decadently cheesy like mac and cheese, but with risotto. That’s why I used the smoked gouda!
Hahaha, great post! So entertaining. I like the segue from stories of childbirth to a risotto recipe.
After the graphic, stretched-genital nature of your story it was hard to imagine wanting to eat a risotto! Great recipe though, gonna be trying that one soon.
Thanks for looking and for the follow….
Medicine teaches you to eat during and after any description š
I shouldn’t train to be a doctor then. Normal, healthy people going about their normal, healthy business is enough to put me off my food. No illness or fluids in sight!
Haha! That story sounds like a scene from the movie Knocked Up, and suddenly makes me thankful that I had two c-sections where no video cameras were allowed š
PS- thanks for following me! š
yum, this looks incredible!
My first two were both Sections. While present, I didn’t see the need to take pictures of my wife being cut open. But, I did have a camera handy for the first picture with mom.
The third was vaginal and we barely made it to the hospital in time. The doctor could have used a catcher’s mitt for that one he came out so fast! Whew…
In each case the doctor and nurses and staff were all great. Wonder where the risotto was…mmmmmmm?
Love it! I have nominated you for the 3-in-1 Award. : )
Cheers!
~Beth
I laughed out loud at your story- I’m sure she is right. Some things are better left unseen…
Funny story. Her words did the trick! I can’t imagine a partner filming the entire birth, a bit much me thinks.
This post made me laugh so hard. I love your stories and your recipes are yummy as well. Love your blog!!!
Thank you! š
Reblogged this on A FRESH START and commented:
THIS AWESOME BLOG I HAVE HIGHLIGHTED BEFORE, BUT READ THIS PARTICULAR POST TODAY….MADE MY MONDAY!!
The asparagus and risotto looks great. We will definitely be trying it!
Oh wow, when I have kids (at some point in the future) there will be no video cameras allowed. My friend has been subjected to sitting through a video of her friend giving birth at least three times. If I ever saw that, I’d probably adopt instead.
Now I’m afraid…so very afraid….
There’s no way a video camera will be present when I have a baby. No. Way.
Definitely going to have to try that risotto recipe. It looks amazing!
Haha, brings back memories! my boys father is a TV cameraman and came up with that idea! I said not if you want a $50K camera to survive you don’t! Especially when he came out 9lb 11 oz’s, feet first!. Needless to say some moments just aren’t Kodak moments!
Will try the recipe though š
OMG I’m cryin’ I’m laughing so hard.
Wonderful story and great recipe!
I love everything that happened here. What a good laugh. No one will be videoing me giving birth ever – only pictures when I am looking pristine and the calm, precious child is in my arms will be allowed.
That is in a word – EVIL.
My fiance knows me pretty well. I’m positive he won’t be in there looking to record the event. He’d probably want to avoid the whole thing, knowing my low threshold for pain.
I’m with They Call Me Crafty – no videos and only staged lovely photos after the fact.
The pairing of your two topics is delightfully disturbing. I’m a fan.
really cool to see peoples passion for food š I think you write very interesting and personally. Alot of your receips looks very tasty as well ! š IĀ“ve also made my own foodblog http://smoothfood.wordpress.com/
feel free to leave a comment of what you think about it š
“ItĀ“s in to be foody!”
Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. Great stuff!
Oh my god, hilarious analogy on spring time events and dishes. I will have to return to get some further inside into how medicine mixes with meals….thanks for visiting talesfrommyplate.wordpress.com today. I appreciate your “likes” and dislikes so drop by again soon.
Maybe I’m odd but I was there twice, right in the heat of it … and it hasn’t put me off in the slightest …. lol.
You do forget the details though….
Hilarious! Love how you cut from the story and go straight into risotto mode š
Love this! The story and the recipe. I’m intimidated by risotto, but this sounds good enough to give it another go! Thanks for the laughs and the recipe!
What a humorous post to read before bed. I love risotto, it used to be a dish I made a lot at home. Now that I am in college… No more kitchens available !
Do you have a crock pot? I always had one of those in my dorm room.
I love your blog post titles!
Sure you don’t mean the recipe titles? I feel like those are more amusing š
haha, both are great but something about “Traumatic Births and Spring Risotto” made me both uncertain about what to expect and delighted.
This looks amazeballs!! can’t wait to try to make it š